Devil Children
by Lucillia
Summary: When the surviving members of the Konoha 12 plus Sai wake up to find themselves in the past, and that their future would be there waiting for them when they got home, they decide to have some fun. If Past Konoha gets trashed in the process, well...
1. Prologue: It's Not Our Past

"So, our world will be waiting for us when we get back?" Naruto asked Shikamaru.

"As I've told you five times before Hokage-sama, our world will still be there." Naruto's ANBU chief replied before muttering a quiet "Troublesome."

"Really?" the Rokudaime Hokage Uzumaki Naruto asked.

"For the last time, yes." the rest of the group that surrounded Naruto and Shikamaru replied.

"Great!" Naruto said before he shucked off his ragged white tee-shirt with spiral on the front, his little brown shorts, and the day-of-the-week panties his caretaker had bought him. "I've always wanted to go streaking."

"Let me get this straight, we're in the past, and the first thing you want to do is go streaking?!" Konoha's Head Medic Haruno Sakura asked, yelling towards the end.

"It's not like it's _our_ past." the pint-sized Rokudaime Hokage said as he turned and ran down the street.

Everyone stared at the naked six year-old who'd been in his late-twenties only an hour before in open-mouthed shock as he ran down the street. As they watched, one of the Uchiha police dropped off of a roof and gave chase.

"Take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut copper!" Naruto yelled after the pursuing officer as he disappeared around the corner.

The huddled group of small children whose ages ranged from six to nearly eight turned to look at each other as one. As one, they all turned to the more sensible of Naruto's advisors in the immediate vicinity. Up until Sasuke had proven himself to be an asset to the village, everyone had been wary of the fact that Naruto had chosen to name him as an advisor the minute he'd been named Hokage.

"Don't look at me!" Sasuke said. "I'm going to get drunk."

"W-Well, Naruto-sama might be right." Hinata finally said as the group watched Sasuke depart muttering about where he remembered his father's stash being. "It's not our past, so what happens won't have an effect on anything really. When we go home, everything will be the way it was when we left, and everyone who died will be dead."

"Troublesome." Shikamaru muttered as he turned and walked off.

That was apparently the signal as the rest of the group slowly parted and started going their own way to do their own thing, whatever it may be.


	2. Is There Any Reason You're asking that?

Naruto grinned as he appeared on the Yondaime's head, glad that he'd whacked his head and had that mental breakthrough that had allowed him to figure out the Hiraishin, and that his father had spammed the entire village with seals, not all of which had worn away quite yet. He was still naked, but it was a warm enough day that it didn't bother him. The chase he'd led the Uchiha and the ANBU on had been fun, especially when he'd started using the Hiraishin when it became apparent that despite how fast he was, his short legs were working against him, and that those pursuing him could cover more distance in less strides.

The look that had been on Kakashi's face when he'd turned up on the shelf above the man's bed had been absolutely priceless, even though it had been mostly covered by that mask he even wore in his sleep. The look on Kakashi's face after he'd jumped off the shelf, landed on him, jumped off of him, and walked into the small apartment's kitchen and raided his fridge had been even better.

" 'Sup Kakashi-sensei." he'd said when the man had gathered the presence of mind to follow him into the kitchen.

"Is there any particular reason why you're raiding my fridge Naruto-kun?" Kakashi had asked as he'd been sampling some of the guy's Miso soup with eggplant which had likely been left over from the previous night's dinner.

"Nah, I just got hungry and since I didn't have any cash on me..." he'd replied as he'd set the soup aside and decided to go hunting through the man's cupboards for some instant ramen.

"So, Naruto, how is it that you can do the Hiraishin?" Kakashi had asked, not bothering to keep him out of his cupboards.

"Meh, Lee went and got drunk at Tenten's wedding and kicked that mental block I had when it came to sealing loose. A week later I ended up accidentally whacking my head on the toilet when I'd tripped over my toilet slippers in the middle of the night, and bam Hiraishin." he'd replied as he'd sorted through Kakashi's rather paltry stash of cup ramen.

"Poor Ero-Senin." he'd said as he'd picked a cup of spicy shrimp ramen and got Kakashi's kettle down off the stove "I couldn't count the number of times he'd started literally tearing his hair out in frustration before he finally quit trying to teach me seals."

"I...Okay, I don't see." Kakashi had said as he'd stood at the sink filling the kettle.

He shrugged it off, deciding not to even try explaining it to the man since he'd likely screw it up somewhere and find himself being poked at by medics or something.

"By the way Kakashi-sensei, can I borrow your video camera?" he'd asked, as he'd remembered something he'd sorta wanted to do but hadn't had the opportunity to when he'd made Hokage. After all, like that guy at the museum had said, it wasn't perverted if it was art.

"Why?" Kakashi had asked.

"Tomorrow night's amateur night at that one theater in the Red Light district." he'd replied as he'd set the kettle on Kakashi's stove to boil.

"You're not going to..." Kakashi had said, sounding stunned.

"Nah, I figured I'd let a couple of the Roof Rabbits show off for more people." he'd replied. "Film is art after all, and I never was all that good at painting or drawing."

After finishing his pilfered meal and resolving to come back for the camera since shocked sputtering was close enough to a "yes" for him, he'd hopped to a seal that was in the middle of the refrigerated section of a local grocery store which had survived the Kyuubi Attack, flashed and mooned several of the shoppers, and restarted the chase. When that Shunshin Shisui boy that he'd remembered people making a fuss over when he was little had somehow gotten involved, he'd popped over to a seal that was on a nearby roof, yelled down "Hurry the fuck up slowpoke!" and popped over to another seal that was down the road before Shisui could catch up to him.

The sound of water hitting stone caused Naruto to pull out of his memory of the fun he'd had and normally wouldn't be able to have since he was the Hokage and therefore couldn't cause any scandals like the time Tsunade-baachan's breasts had accidentally popped out of her shirt. Looking up, he found that the source of the noise was standing on the top of the cliff into which the Hokage's faces had been carved.

"Hey Sasuke, is there any particular reason why you're taking a piss on the Nidaime's head?" he asked the dark haired boy who seemed to be trying to spread it around so he whizzed on as much of the Nidaime's hair as possible, considering how much he was weaving.

" 'Z all his fucking faul'" Sasuke slurred down. " 'F he hadn' gone and snitched like a little bitch Madara and Hash, Hashira, Hashwha'ever woulda stayed friens, and nobodyda got hur'."

"Ooookay." he said, deciding that he didn't wanna know.

" 'N then afer he wen' and snitched on them, he wen' and killed 'Zuna driving Madara insane." Sasuke continued. " 'N then when Hashwha'ever and Madara wen' an became friens again, he wen' and made it so Madara couldn' be Hokage when Hashwha'ever wanted him to, 'n then he went and tried ta poisn Hashwha'ever agains' all the 'Chiha while Madara was listenin'..."

"Mind if I join you?" he asked when Sasuke had paused in his litany of Senju Tobirama's crimes against the Uchiha. It wasn't like he'd be peeing on his Hokage monument or anything.

"You're not gonna star onena those Senju 'Chiha fights are you?" Sasuke slurred suspiciously as he made his way to the Uchiha's side.

"One, Obito was fucking insane. Two, I'm an Uzumaki. And three, the Namikaze were actually allied with the Uchiha prior to the founding of Konoha." he replied as he started just as Sasuke's stream had faltered because his bladder had finally emptied.

"No shit?" Sasuke asked.

"No shit." he replied.

"Naruto, is there any particular reason you're peeing on my sensei's head?" a familiar voice that he couldn't quite place asked.

"Maybe because he's the stupid fuck who went and pissed off Madara to the point that he got that whole fucking Moon's Eye plan rolling in the fucking first place?" he replied.

The person behind him made an unidentifiable half-strangled sound before he suddenly found himself being picked up by someone who dearly wanted to drag him somewhere by his collar if the tightness of the grip was any indication. Fortunately, he currently didn't have a collar, or anything else that was clothing related for that matter.

"We are going to be having a very serious chat." the person who was holding him in such a way that he couldn't clearly see him said.

"You're going to have a chat, I'm going to get the fuck out of here." he said as he hopped to the seal in the Hokage's office where he knew he'd be safe. That Homura bastard wouldn't be able to get him there.

When he arrived at the office, it was to find the Old Man's advisors standing around waiting for him.

"Oh shit." he said as two and a half pairs of eyes turned towards him.


	3. Resolving and Creating Issues

Hinata knew that she had any number of daddy issues to work through. Throughout most of her childhood, her father had been a wall of coldly disapproving silence that she couldn't work her way over or around or through no matter how hard she tried. It had mostly been him who had completely destroyed her confidence to the point that she'd grown so incredibly shy that the boy who sat in his room all day tending to his stamp collection when he hadn't been at the Academy with her and her classmates seemed outgoing in comparison. The actions of the clan who had pretty much followed his lead didn't help any either.

When the group had disbanded, she decided to go home and work her way through at least some of the issues since it wasn't her past, and the father with whom she'd mostly reconciled in recent years wouldn't have to know after-all. As she wandered through the Hyuuga compound, she caught sight of Neji determinedly ignoring everyone around him as he trained relentlessly. The sight was bittersweet because she hadn't seen Neji since he'd died in the fight with the Jyuubi, and now that she was seeing him, it was back in the days when he'd hated her because of what had happened to his father after she'd been kidnapped. Yet another issue she had to work through...

As she approached the spot where her father was calmly sitting and drinking tea while staring out into the neatly tended gardens, she decided to start off small seeing as it wouldn't do to do too much too soon. When she reached her father, she calmly greeted him by setting him on fire. As the man rolled around on the ground trying to put the fire out, her hands moved towards the button that fastened the trousers she was currently wearing.

"Nah," she said, moving her hands away from the button before turning and walking off.

As she walked away, several members of the clan stared after her in amazement, having never seen someone actually demonstrate that they wouldn't piss on an individual if they were on fire. The fact that it was the clan heiress and the clan head and that this could be considered an assassination attempt hadn't fully processed, because their brains were still too busy trying to reboot.

"Told him she was gonna snap one of these days." one of the clan elders who had witnessed just such an event four generations prior idly remarked.

That apparently broke the spell, because members of the clan started jumping into action, either trying to put the flaming Hiashi out or trying to catch his daughter who had somehow managed to avoid all pursuers. In the midst of the chaos, Neji sat there cursing Fate for letting Hinata do what he'd wanted to do since he was four years old.

* * *

There was a speculative gleam in Danzo's remaining eye as he looked down at the small naked child who had appeared in the Hokage's office via the long neglected Hiraishin seal in the corner. He'd been trying to get his old friend and rival to give the boy to him for training before when he had thought the brat to be completely unskilled and to have been born with Kushina's brains and none of her other redeeming qualities. Now, he was wondering exactly what he could do with a child of the Uzumaki's apparent talents rather than with a mere Jinchurriki.

"Dude, can you stop looking at me like that?" the boy asked as he covered his privates with his hands. "Orochimaru has given me enough fucking nightmares over the years."

He blinked, visibly showing confusion for the first time in a good long while. As far as he knew, the Uzumaki child had never encountered Orochimaru or even so much as heard the traitor's name, so how could someone that Naruto had never seen or heard of give him nightmares? If the Uzumaki child actually had encountered Orochimaru, heads would be rolling for this lapse in intel.

The Uzumaki boy had apparently incorrectly interpreted his blink if his horrified disgust was any indication. That had happened more often than he cared to admit since he'd lost his eye. He'd even gotten slapped in the street after a speck of dust had flown into his eye while he was on a walk. Most one-eyed men didn't encounter this particular problem, but he apparently gave off "creepy old man" vibes if all of those kids whom he'd pulled from the orphanage over the years were to be believed.

Before the Uzumaki could do more than stare at him in horror, Hiruzen arrived looking none too pleased to find the boy in his office.

"Well, since you're here, maybe you'll care to explain your answer as to why you were urinating on my sensei's head. And, after that, you can explain how you know the Hiraishin." Hiruzen said in his "If you don't start talking now, I'll literally have your guts for garters" tone of voice.

"Long story short, I came from a world where it's the future already." the Uzumaki said.

"And, the rest of the story is?" Koharu asked, giving the Uzumaki child her best evil old lady look.

"Hashirama and Madara were friends blah blah blah big fight blah blah blah Tobirama killed Izuna blah blah blah Konoha got founded blah blah blah Tobirama went behind Hashirama and Madara's backs and got Hashirama made Hokage blah blah blah Madara went batshit insane and left blah blah blah fight at the Valley of the End blah blah blah Madara survived and decided to put the world under a Genjutsu using the Jyuubi blah blah blah Madara saved Obito blah blah blah Nohara Rin died blah blah blah Obito released the Kyuubi blah blah blah Akatsuki blah blah blah Fourth Shinobi World War blah blah blah Madara double-crossed Obito blah blah blah Obito became the Jyuubi Jinchuriki blah blah blah Obito destroyed, war ends, everyone goes home, and I become Hokage." the Uzumaki child said in a deadpan tone of voice, looking completely bored.

Normally, he would not put up with such disrespect from a child, but after seeing Hiruzen, Koharu and Homura's reactions, he was willing to put up with it just this once. It hadn't been directed at him after all.

"Oh god, it's smiling at me!" the Uzumaki exclaimed in horror, looking directly at him and making gestures that were meant to ward off evil.

That would not be borne however.

Lunging towards the boy, he prepared to give the Uzumaki child a beating it would never forget. A beating that was long overdue in his opinion.

"Rape!" the Uzumaki screamed the instant he'd reached him.

Rather than help the unfortunate child who continued to scream rape as he evaded the one-eyed war hawk, the Hokage and his former teammates sat there laughing together for the first time in years.

* * *

Sai wandered around the ROOT headquarters wondering at the strange looks he was receiving. It was almost as if nobody recognized him.

Maybe it was his clothes. When he'd woken up and found himself in the past, he had been in the woods, and he'd been wearing a somewhat ragged outfit he didn't recognize. After discerning that he was not his adult self and that the village was as it had been before Pein's destruction, the first thing he had done had been to try and find his Hokage. Because he'd been so busy searching for Naruto and later regrouping with all of the other time travelers, he hadn't had the opportunity to change into something more familiar.

It was when someone who looked like a younger version of Torune had cornered him off the dormitories before he could enter his room and change into something more appropriate for this time that a memory of his old life which he'd become completely disassociated from due to Danzo's training had hit. Apparently, Danzo hadn't retrieved him from the orphanage until he was nine.

Oops.


End file.
